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I grew up with an atheist father and an agnostic mother. I went through phases of both and ended up in my early 20s vaguely agnostic. Now I’m Catholic. That’s another story.

Anyway, I know some Protestants would disagree that being Catholic numbers one among Christians, but, from my humble converts’ position, I have some observations about good Christians and what they believe Jesus would do, at least in my part of the world.

1) If Christ were to come back today, he would picket the funerals of fallen military personnel to protest America’s soft stance on homosexuality and put signs in the hands of children that read “God Hates Fags” or any sign that included the word “hate” or “fag.” Very WWJD.

2) In a similar vein, Jesus would join right-to-life protests that include violence against healthcare workers and/or women and family members attending suspect clinics and place signs in the hands of children that include the words “hate” and images of dead babies.

3) Jesus would cheat on his taxes. He would take bogus tax deductions and, if at all possible, grossly underreport his income.

4) He would encourage his disciples’ children to shove the other four-year-olds during the pee wee soccer game. It’s hard to make a goal when your face is planted in the grass and you can never start too young with good sportsmanship.

5) Jesus would love to critique other people’s hair, clothes, and cars. Loudly. Within earshot of those being critiqued. After all, it’s what’s on the outside that counts.

6) Jesus would park in the handicap spot using Joseph’s handicap hang tag because, hey, he walked enough during those years of preaching and those handicap spots are sweet.

7) Jesus would tell the cashier he wants water and then, when he went to the fountain, he would sneak Sprite. Those restaurant bastards make way too high a profit margin on drinks, anyway. It’s really about social justice.

8 ) Jesus would use his disposal income to pay for massages, man-icures and facials because, let’s face it, the desert is hell on skin and the poor really just need to get off their arses so giving your money to charity is like throwing it out the window.

9) Jesus would run for public office just to see if even Jesus could get elected in today’s America.

10) Jesus would talk a lot about being Jesus and then sit back on his laurels and take the easy road because, really, no one has to worry about whether a camel can fit through a gate anymore. The bigger concern is can you make it past security to even get to the gate and, since it’s all relative, you don’t have to be that good to be in the top 2 percentile these days and odds-makers will tell you that being in the top 2% gives you a pretty good chance of getting to heaven.

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