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For the last few weeks, I’ve been in a drunken fever and I’m deeply ashamed. My drunken fever has not involved alcohol or any sort of narcotics. It’s seasonal, but it’s not linked to Oktoberfest. It’s this:

As you can tell from my trio of food reviews for McDonald’s fall food items, I love my golden arches and I have the thighs to prove it. But my McDonald’s obsession becomes compulsion each fall with the return of Monopoly. I am a complete sucker. I have to collect all of the pieces. In fact, I’d probably be happier to collect all of the pieces than to collect any one set. This same mania led to a tub full of Beanie Babies after I discovered eBay an eon ago. At least they didn’t make me fat.

I never eat McD’s hash browns. They’re greasy and disgusting. But they contain two game pieces, so don’t even ask me how many I’ve consumed over the last few weeks. Soft drinks are $1 for any size, but I’ve been ordering mediums because they contain game pieces. I even considered paying $2 for a bowl of oatmeal. I’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner at McDonald’s. Now, weeks later, here are the results:

Jeans that are straining at the thigh
A muffin top that is more top than it used to be
A ridiculous number of McDonald’s transactions on my debit card

Two “free” quarter pounders
Two “free” medium fries
One “free” red box movie rental

A car littered with duplicate game pieces
A sad game board full of 2 out of 3 properties–(so maddingly incomplete)
One middle-aged woman thoroughly ashamed at her lack of self control and her compulsion to win at this game

There are two weeks left in the game. Today I realized I couldn’t “drive thru” McDonald’s if my compulsion wanted to. My stomach was in all out mutiny. I think I’ve sobered up.

Now I, and my thighs, have to deal with the hangover. Hello, treadmill. If only you had a Monopoly game.