- PMS paints everything with a nice gray glow. See a red door? It’s not red. It’s dirty pink. Now paint it black.
- Shaving my legs in the shower today, I nicked my ankle, for the second day in a row. Reaction? What kind of an idiot nicks herself two days in a row? An idiot with obviously fat ankles. Gotta love the positive outlook of PMS.
- I bawled twice yesterday, once while watching Five People You Meet in Heaven (the end scene, ok?) and once while listening to LeAnn Rimes. Then today I had to run away from a volunteer signing up organ donors when she told me she was alive because somebody donated a kidney. Jesus, PMS should be sponsored by fricking Kleenex or Puffs.
- Is this what it’s like to be emo? No wonder they wear black and look so miserable.
- I did not get to say good morning to my youngest daughter today and it felt like my heart was dripping from my chest. I realized this morning I am a vampire sucking life from my daughter’s youthful buoyancy to keep myself afloat. Then I realized Disney knows this, hence all of the evil middle-aged villainesses. Ahhhhhhgggghhh! My feminist core shriveled a little more.
- I read a blog this morning about a little girl with a genetic disease who passed away on Monday and, instead of making me sad, it pissed me off that her parents were writing little posts from this child about wanting to go to baseball games. What kind of a jaded monster am I? Then I donated to www.fightsma.org because everybody should live long enough to write their own bucket list.
- I look like I’m three months pregnant. This (mostly) happened while I was sleeping. Thank you, water retention.
- The world is going to hell. I am powerless to change it. And in two days, I’ll be contributing my life’s blood to the core of the Earth, which pulls it from me in streams and globs. Yes, that’s gross. Menstruation is gross, people. Damn gross.
- Happy Friday to those of you MFs not PMSing.
Listen, little bastard (LB),
I don’t know how you got there and i’m guessing you’re no happier about it than I am, but how about letting go and traveling on your merry gnome way? There’s no reason to take out your job frustrations on my temple. I know that the gnome that got the travelocity gig is not nearly as talented or as good looking, but sometimes it’s about who you know, not what you know. I can see that you have a strong work ethic as you’ve managed to grip that area above my right temple very securely all night and all day. To whom do I address the letter of recommendation praising your persistence and high quality of work? If you’re promoted,does that mean you’ll leave my temple?
Ok, if that does not work, how about bribery? What would you like that would make you leave my right temple alone? I tried Diet Pepsi and that did not seem to appease you. I don’t have any wine, so apologies. A cold beer? I just don’t think my stomach will go for that, especially since your grip on my right temple has my stomach rather annoyed. A nap? If only.
Well, I can see you’re an individual of high ethical standards. So I guess it’s chemical warfare. I’m bringing out the big guns. May the best stubborn bitch win. See you again in a month.